3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
