When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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