at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
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