I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
