Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
