I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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