Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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