i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize