My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize