Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
