Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
