My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
