We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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