i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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