a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
