I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize