the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
