I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
