the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
