I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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