new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
