i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
operation harelip BJ is a go
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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