i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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