im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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