i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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