I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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