I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
