ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
You ruined the universe
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
