I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
