Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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