I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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