nut hugger
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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