I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
