Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
