I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
