A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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