Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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