I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
