Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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