Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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