Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
