hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
