imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
