I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
