How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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