Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
