I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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