i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize