I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
