you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
