WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
