i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
