so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Girls should come with a carfax report
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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