So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I looked at my own cervix.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
