if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
