apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
You left your phone here
Wait...
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
