have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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