my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Randomize
